Three Ways Purity Culture May Still Be Affecting You

Happy spring!  As I am typing this I am looking at some tulips in a vase on my table from my local Trader Joe’s - I hope you are enjoying similar signs of spring wherever you find yourself this week.  I, for one, am enjoying the longer days after the time change!

As I was thinking about what to write for this latest blog post, I thought I would dive into a topic that has been coming up in sessions lately - purity culture, and how it may still be affecting you more than you realize.

If you grew up in high control religion, you likely heard messages about sexual purity, gender roles, and what defines holiness when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships.  For instance, you may have been taught that sex before marriage was a horrible sin and something shameful that would separate you from God.  Or, you may have been taught that you were responsible for the sexual thoughts and behaviors of others through how you dress or how you acted, and were told to to be very mindful of this so as to not make others “stumble.”  Or, you may have been taught that any physical closeness and intimacy whilst dating was a dangerous territory that would surely lead to sexual intercourse, so you had better just shut it all down so you didn’t sin, which maybe led to feeling like anything other than holding hands with someone you were dating was was a threat to your purity.

(Linda Kline has a great book about the effects of purity culture in the lives of individuals - definitely check it out!)

I work with a lot of clients who have left high control religion behind, but are still affected (even years later) by the toxic and oppressive ideologies found in purity culture.  Even though they are no longer hearing those messages from the pulpit or in their community each week, their minds and bodies are still responding to certain ideas or situations with anxiety, discomfort, or shame.  They share with me their frustration that though they no longer believe in the rules about dating and sex that they were taught in their faith community, they feel still feel emotionally and/or physically blocked when trying to date or experience physical or sexual closeness.  

Here are three ways purity culture might still be affecting you…

Feeling Disconnected from Body

Often I hear from religious trauma survivors that they aren’t able to access feelings of attraction or romance, or that it feels like there is an internal “kill switch” that gets flipped anytime they find someone attractive or experience feelings of arousal.  They explain that this was how they survived purity culture in high control religion - to shut down any sexual feelings as soon as they were noticed because they were trying to avoid sinning.  

Feelings live in the body.  When a person is not allowed to feel attracted to someone because feelings of attraction are categorized as lust which is categorized as a sin, that person is naturally going to shut down or disconnect from those feelings, and therefore their body, to avoid eternal consequences. When that pattern of shutting down feelings happens often enough, that response is going to be automatic, even in an adult who is now wanting to experience physical closeness, sexual intimacy, or sensual pleasure in safe and consensual relationships.

Shame Re: Sensuality & Pleasure

The constant messaging of “purity” in high control religion can leave someone feeling like sensuality and pleasure are forbidden and sinful, and that desire in and of itself is something to be ashamed of.  When these feelings are categorized so severely, it can become an automatic response to feel shame related to anything remotely sensual or pleasure-focused.  I have heard some religious trauma survivors say that even just wearing sexy underwear or appreciating the human form can feel scandalous, icky, or wrong.

When a person is taught that their desires for sexual intimacy are shameful and wrong, it does not take a lot of mental gymnastics to understand  how and why sensuality and pleasure would not feel safe or allowed (especially before marriage), even as a consenting adult.  

For women in purity culture, the internalized shame related to sensuality is even more acute because it is taught that women’s physical bodies are stumbling blocks for all males, and that it is the responsibility of a woman to keep a man from stumbling sexually.  The message was “Dress modestly and cover up your body because your body will tempt men into sexual sin!” Hearing the message often enough that your body is bad creates a strong correlation between your physical being and shame.

Anxiety About Dating and Sex

Purity culture inundates faith communities with conflicting messages about sex, love, and relationships, which can leave people feeling confused and anxious about what is right and wrong. Strict rules about “no sex outside of marriage” are often the standards in high control religion, but leave people questioning, “Well what defines sex?  What exactly is off limits?  Is any amount of physical intimacy or closeness okay, or am I literally not supposed to touch the person I’m dating until we are married?  What am I supposed to do with my sexual feelings in the meantime?”  

If you leave high control religion and want to start dating and exploring sex, that anxiety about right and wrong will probably get activated when you find yourself in real life situations of attraction, dating, physical closeness, and sexual intimacy.  You might find yourself out on a date, and the person you are with leans in to kiss you (which you have consented to), but when they do you feel anxiety or like you are doing something wrong.  Or, you might find yourself wanting to experience sexual intimacy with someone you are dating but feel completely terrified anytime that becomes a possibility.

If you resonate with any of the above related to purity culture or high control religion, it might be time to start therapy with a licensed professional who specializes in religious trauma and spiritual abuse.  Reach out today to schedule a free consultation!