Feeling Angry About Being Harmed in Religion? Good!
Hello, and happy April! When I turned the calendar this month, I was expecting a little more warmth and sunshine headed our way here in San Diego, but today it is rainy, windy, and cold. So, I am warming up with a cup of tea and a blanket as I write this blog post to share some thoughts about an important topic when healing from religious trauma - anger!
If you were in high control religion, you’ve likely heard religious texts about anger used in sermons, prayers, small groups, and Bible studies:
-“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” -James 1:19-20
- “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” -Ephesians 4:26-27
-"But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment.” -Matthew 5:22
I remember from my time in conservative evangelicalism that anger was categorized as a sin, and religious texts were used to back up that belief. Anger was described as being bad and wrong and displeasing to God, very hurtful to others, and something one needed to ask forgiveness for. It was singled out as an emotion that was dangerous and scary (I mean, if there was a connection between feeling angry and giving Satan himself a foothold in your life, it’s no wonder why you may have tried to stay as far away from anger as possible!).
Though there are obviously problematic and harmful ways to express anger (like violent and abusive behavior that harms or threatens others or self), anger in and of itself is not inherently bad or wrong. In fact, it is a very normal and necessary part of the human experience, and provides us valuable information about our internal world, our boundaries, what we value, and when something we value gets violated.
A lot of survivors of religious trauma or spiritual abuse that I meet with struggle to access the emotion of anger because for so long it was an emotion that was not allowed in their faith community - it was harshly judged and condemned when expressed. But anger is actually a valid emotion and can help mobilize someone toward safety and empowerment.
Here are a few reasons why I think anger plays an important role in healing from religious trauma, and why I feel glad (among other things) when clients tell me they are starting to feel angry about the harm they experienced in religion:
Acknowledging what you feel:
First, I am so glad when a religious trauma survivor communicates to me that they are angry because it tells me that they are finding the courage to acknowledge what they honestly feel inside. It is so important to be able to articulate how you feel and be able to find safe spaces where you can share those feelings with others. So often in high control religion, we have our own internal emotional experiences but then have to edit them, hide them, repress them, or just pretend we are not feeling them in order to convince our faith community that we are feeling the things we should be feeling like, joy and gratitude.
Accessing emotions that were previously not allowed:
When a religious trauma survivor is able to feel angry about the harm they experienced in their faith community, it tells me that they are allowing themselves to access emotions that were previously off limits.
There are a whole host of emotions that are deemed problematic or not allowed in high control religion - anger, fear, sadness, and jealousy, to name a few. Basically if you are not feeling happy or giving thanks, what you are feeling is wrong and is upsetting God.
The problem with trying to not feel certain emotions is that you disconnect or numb from the whole system. Our emotions are all connected, so when we try to selectively cut out or turn down one part, we are affecting the whole. It is helpful to think of the full scope of our emotions being on a dimmer switch - it you try to turn down one, you are going to turn down the whole system. This means that by disconnecting from one emotion that feels bad, you are going to disconnect from other emotions, even the ones that feel good like happiness or excitement.
Sense of worth:
For someone to feel angry about being mistreated, they have to be connected to their sense of worth. When someone feels angry about an injustice that has happened to them, they believe things like “That was not okay what happened to me,” “I did not deserve that,” and “I deserved better.
Self worth is an important asset to tap into and strengthen during the healing process, especially for people coming from high control religion where they were likely taught that they were inherently bad and needed a savior to rescue them from their sinful nature. Anger about being manipulated, used, or traumatized in oppressive and toxic systems is a wonderful sign that someone believes they are worth something and is taking a stand against mistreatment.
If you resonate with any of the above or have experienced religious harm and are ready to start therapy, I’m accepting new clients in CA, FL, and MO. Send me a message to request a free 15 minute consultation to get started.