How Purity Culture Made Me Question a Normal Lunch – The Lingering Impact of Religious Trauma
Last week I had lunch with a colleague at his office here in San Diego. It was my second networking meeting with him, and I was looking forward to it as I had really enjoyed our previous conversation about life as therapists, gardening aficionados, and humans trying our best to navigate a complicated world. When I walked into the waiting area, I was even more excited that I had set up this lunch because I there was a live stream of a bald eagle nest from Big Bear Lake in California that was projecting on the wall larger than life! (huge nature lover here 🙋🏻♀️)
Anyway, my colleague greeted me in the waiting area as I was entranced by the nest cam footage and led me to his individual office. We both entered, and then he casually closed the door behind him. It was a completely normal moment—a professional meeting in a private space. But almost instantly, two thoughts flashed through my mind:
A split second worry of “Am I doing something wrong?”
The realization that "This would have NEVER happened in my past life in high-control religion!”
For years, I was conditioned to believe that a man and a woman being alone together—regardless of the context—was inappropriate or dangerous. This is the result of purity culture and the infamous Billy Graham Rule, a belief deeply ingrained in many high-control religious environments.
Fortunately, I am removed enough from that world that I was able to internally chuckle at the worries and thoughts that popped up in my mind, dismiss them as absurd on multiple levels, and move on. But even though I’ve been healing from religious trauma for years, this brief moment of “Oh no!” reminded me just how much purity culture can linger in the body and mind—long after you’ve left the belief system that taught it, and how important it is to shed light on it and call it out.
(For the record, we had another marvelous lunch meeting and discussed all things psychology, psychedelics, religion, spirituality, and our respective triumphs and tragedies in the realm of gardening.)
What Is the Billy Graham Rule?
The Billy Graham Rule states that a man should never be alone with a woman who is not his wife. Originally created by evangelist Billy Graham as a safeguard against temptation and accusations of impropriety and even just the appearance of sin, this rule has since been widely adopted by Christian leaders, pastors, and even some politicians.
I remember when I was fresh out of graduate school and still in high control religion, I was living with some friends who were a married couple (the husband was a pastor) and their two kids. At the time I was trying to save money (because…student loans and garbage-paying agency job), and they had graciously offered me the apartment in their finished basement so I could save money on housing. One weekend, the wife and the two kids had to go out of town, which meant the husband was going to be alone with me in the house anytime over the weekend that we both happened to be home. In order to not have the “appearance of evil” and to live above reproach, I was asked to find another place to stay for the weekend while his family was out of town. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it and even expected the request as I had been conditioned to believe that that was the right thing to do in that circumstance.
(An aside: I was closeted at the time, but my queer identity definitely throws another interesting WTAF twist in this whole dynamic…)
This rule might seem harmless at first glance - maybe even wise to some. But when we dig deeper, the underlying messages are deeply problematic:
Women are inherently dangerous to men’s purity.
Men cannot be trusted to control themselves.
A woman's reputation must be protected at all costs.
Avoiding temptation is more important than treating women as equals.
This rule is not about respect, boundaries, or healthy relationships—it’s about fear, control, and maintaining a rigid purity culture mindset.
The Harmful Messages Behind Purity Culture Rules
For survivors of religious trauma, purity culture, and high-control religion, teachings like the Billy Graham Rule don’t just shape church culture—they shape how we navigate relationships, work, and even our own sense of self.
For women, this often leads to:
Feeling like a temptation to be managed, rather than a full person.
Being shut out of professional opportunities because male leaders refuse to meet one-on-one (I cannot imagine trying to build a professional network as a therapist if I were unable to meet one-on-one with male colleagues).
Feeling responsible for managing men’s thoughts and actions instead of expecting men to take accountability.
Internalized shame around normal relationships and interactions.
For men, this rule reinforces the belief that:
They are incapable of self-control and need extreme boundaries.
Women are a threat rather than colleagues, mentors, or friends.
Avoiding the appearance of sin is more important than actual integrity.
High-control religious environments drill these messages into people from a young age. The result? Even after leaving, survivors often struggle with fear, guilt, and second-guessing their own instincts in everyday situations, like how for a split second I wondered if I was doing something wrong by having a normal lunch with a male colleague.
The Lingering Impact of Purity Culture on Religious Trauma Survivors
Even after stepping away from high-control religion, purity culture messages don’t just disappear. They show up in ways we don’t always expect:
Feeling uneasy about professional relationships between men and women, even when nothing inappropriate is happening.
Overanalyzing normal situations, wondering if others might perceive them as “wrong” or “sinful.”
Struggling with trust in relationships, because we were taught that any small “compromise” could lead to disaster.
Second-guessing personal boundaries, because we were conditioned to prioritize avoiding temptation over genuine connection.
Carrying subconscious guilt over interactions that should feel neutral or normal.
This is religious trauma in action—a set of ingrained fears and responses that persist even after you intellectually reject the belief system that caused them.
Healing from Religious Trauma & Reclaiming Autonomy
So, what happens when you start unlearning these toxic beliefs?
You realize that integrity isn’t about rigid rules—it’s about personal values and ethical choices.
You learn that healthy relationships aren’t built on avoidance, but on trust, communication, and mutual respect.
You stop living under a cloud of guilt, shame, or fear just because you’ve left a high-control system.
If you’re healing from religious trauma, purity culture, or spiritual abuse, moments like this—a closed door, a one-on-one meeting, a casual conversation—can bring up unexpected emotions. But these moments also serve as proof of how far you’ve come.
Because healing isn’t about replacing one rigid rule with another. It’s about learning to trust yourself, your decisions, and your ability to navigate life without fear.
Moving Forward: Unlearning Purity Culture & Religious Trauma
If purity culture still shows up in your thoughts, behaviors, or relationships, you’re not alone. Religious trauma healing takes time—but it is possible. Here are some ideas on how to get started:
Start questioning the fear-based rules you were taught and ask yourself if they align with the life you want to live.
Recognize that your worth is not tied to how well you avoid “temptation” or follow arbitrary rules.
Give yourself permission to redefine healthy relationships outside of the purity culture framework.
You don’t have to live under the weight of religious trauma forever. You deserve a life that feels like your own—one where trust, connection, and self-acceptance replace fear, shame, and rigid rules.
Are You Struggling with Religious Trauma? Therapy Can Help.
If you’re working through the impact of purity culture, religious trauma, or high-control religion, you don’t have to do it alone. As a therapist in San Diego specializing in religious trauma recovery, I help survivors unlearn harmful beliefs, process their experiences, and build a life that actually feels like theirs.
I offer religious trauma therapy in California, Florida, and Missouri. If you’re ready to start healing, let’s connect.
Reach out below to request a free consultation!