Happy Pride Month! Thoughts From A Queer-Identifying Religious Trauma Therapist
Hello everyone, and happy Pride! As we celebrate this significant time of the year, I wanted to share some thoughts and reflections from my perspective as a queer-identifying religious trauma therapist.
Last night I was at a get together with some friends who were visiting from out of town. There was freshly smoked meat, corn hole, birthday cake, and lots of laughter - a perfect June evening!
As we were catching each other up on family, careers, etc., one of the things that we all shared about was having younger people (i.e. teens and early 20s) in our life that we know who are trying to sort out their own sexual and/or gender identities, but who are unfortunately stuck in un-affirming families where conservative religious beliefs have set strict rules about sexuality and gender.
For many queer individuals, growing up in religious environments can be a deeply traumatic experience. High control religions often teach that queer identities are sinful, shameful, or inherently wrong. It got me thinking about my own journey and the high control religion I grew up in, and I started reflecting on what I wish I had known back then when I was in the middle of trying to sort all that out.
Here are some things that I would tell my younger self:
God does not make mistakes.
Dr. Laura Anderson had a very poignant instagram post last week that highlighted the dissonance between high control religion requiring individuals to repress/deny/abandon core parts of themselves if they fall outside of the religion’s narrow definition of sexual or gender identity, while also proclaiming that God does not make mistakes.
If that sounds confusing AF, it is!
Unfortunately this double bind creates a scenario in which someone is cornered between “God condemns queerness as sinful/bad” and “God doesn’t make mistakes so something inside me is bad and wrong.”
If I could teleport my adult self back to my younger self, I would remind her that God indeed does not make mistakes, and to take the limiting and harmful definitions of sexuality preached in the high control religion she was in at the time and throw them in the garbage.
It does in fact get better.
I remember when I was not yet public about my queer identity I would hear a lot from other queer people that “it gets better.” I had a really hard time believing them. I was living with such fear of rejection from my faith community, my friends, my family, that all I could envision after sharing this part of my life with people was worst case scenario reactions and catastrophic rejection. I had been so indoctrinated by the church that this part of me was so bad that people would fully reject me when I told them. Unknowingly, I was constantly bracing for people’s judgment and condemnation.
What a surprise I had when after coming out, I discovered that most people outside of high control religion don’t care if you are gay. I noticed that people outside of high control religion did not bat an eye when I responded to the question, “Are you married?” with “Yes, I have a wife.” In fact, my current social connections would probably say that my sexual identity is the least interesting thing about me :-)
If I could teleport my adult self back to my younger self, I would reassure her that it does in fact get better, and that there is a whole world out there full of people waiting to embrace her and celebrate her for who she is.
You can’t fully live in a closet.
This was a truth I resisted for a long time, very much out of fear and shame. Because I was still in a faith community that was unaccepting, I was afraid that if I was open about my queer identity people would judge or reject me. At the time I didn’t have any spaces where I felt I could share openly about who I was attracted to, and I also had a lot of internalized shame from high control religion’s messaging about sexual identity that I needed to address and work through.
But the longer I kept my identity private, the more inner conflict I felt about the divide between my public facing self and what was actually going on internally. I deeply wanted to be known and accepted by others, but I had been taught that a part of my experience was unacceptable and not allowed.
Eventually (after mustering a lot of courage) I started confiding in my therapist with things like, “I think I might be gay…,” who thankfully provided me with my first experience of being wholeheartedly welcomed and affirmed.
If I could teleport my adult self back to my younger self, I would tell her that though it is scary as hell to step out of the closet, there is a full, fun, and connected life outside of it waiting to be lived .
In conclusion, Happy Pride Month to all! Let's celebrate our identities, reflect on our journeys, and continue to advocate for a world where everyone is accepted and loved for who they are. Remember, you are inherently good, deserving of love, and your identity is valid. Here's to healing, growth, and pride. 🌈
Do you resonate with any of the above? Healing is possible! I work with queer-identifying clients everyday who have experienced religious harm and who are doing the work to tend to their pain, identify and disrupt the harmful narratives they were indoctrinated with, and rebuild their lives.
If you are ready to start unpacking what happened to you in high control religion with a therapist who specializes in religious trauma, spiritual abuse, faith deconstruction, and queer identity, I’m accepting new clients in CA, FL, and MO. Send me a message to request a free 15 minute consultation to get started.