Deck the Halls with Boundaries and Self-Care: 12 Days of Healing for Religious Trauma Survivors During the Holidays
The holiday season can be uniquely challenging for survivors of religious trauma and spiritual abuse. For many, December brings up complex feelings tied to faith, family, and beliefs or traditions that have harmed them in the past or that no longer align with who they are today. Contending with triggering environments, strained relationships, and invitations to religious services can leave even the most festive person feeling exhausted.
This year, instead of hustling through December on autopilot just trying to survive, I would like to encourage you to make space for intentionality and healing. Whether you’re untangling yourself from high-control religion or finding your footing after a period of deconstruction, I’ve put together a 12-day guide that offers small, actionable practices to prioritize your well-being. Time to deck the halls with boundaries and self-care!
Day 1: Define Your Holiday Intentions
If you were to set aside expectations from high-control religion or society, what do the holidays mean to you now? Is it about connection, reflection, rest? Write it down. Starting with clarity helps you approach the season with purpose. The holidays for me this year have been about been about embracing the longer nights and colder temperatures and adopting the concept of hygge!
Day 2: Create a "No" List
Take a moment to identify what you WON’T do this season. Maybe it’s engaging in triggering conversations, going to every holiday gathering you are invited to, or attending services that bring up painful memories. Your "no" is just as powerful as your “yes.”
Day 3: Breathe Through the Big Feelings
The holidays often stir up a complicated mix of emotions like grief, anger, and nostalgia. Quite the potent cocktail! Rather than suppressing these feelings—something many of us learned to do in high-control religion—allow yourself to feel them without judgement. Try a simple breathing technique, like the 4-7-8 breathing method, to help you stay present and connected to your feelings when they get activated.
Day 4: Personalize Your Traditions
Are there holiday decorations or rituals that no longer work for you? Give yourself permission to skip them, and allow yourself to get creative and reimagine holiday traditions that are authentic to YOU! Maybe it’s a rainbow-themed ornament collection, hosting a movie night, or volunteering. Your holiday - your rules. Small changes like these can make a big difference. I have enjoyed lighting candles every evening at sunset, and I’m also thinking about how to celebrate the winter solstice this year.
Day 5: Practice Saying “Thank You for Sharing That”
Family gatherings can be dumpster-fiery minefields of unsolicited advice and passive-aggressive comments. Practice a neutral, boundary-setting response like, “Thank you for sharing that,” to disengage without escalating conflict, or just excuse yourself from the conversation altogether!
Day 6: Find a Grounding Activity
Is there a ritual or practice that helps you feel centered and grounded? Maybe it is journaling, drinking hot tea, taking a walk, doing a cold plunge, practicing yoga, or dancing it out to a favorite song. This year I’m going to try out simmer pots!
Day 7: Write a Gratitude List - Without the Guilt
Gratitude in high-control religion is often used to bypass discomfort and pain (i.e. “Be thankful, not upset”). This holiday season, reflect on what genuinely brings you comfort and joy. For me that includes things like hazelnuts, candles, laughter with friends, the ocean, the smell of pine trees, and Scandinavian design. What would you put on your list?
Day 8: Protect Your Energy
The constant activity of the holidays can be draining enough on its own, but add on top of that navigating religious trauma, and you might feel like you want to hide in a cave or sleep for days (or both). Take breaks when you need them. Skip the party or leave the service if it feels like too much. Putting your wellbeing first is not selfish - it’s self-care.
Day 9: Prioritize Joyful Moments
When was the last time you did something purely for fun? Fun feels good, so give yourself permission to play— you deserve it. Whether it is baking cookies, creating a Christmas wreath, making a snow angel, or going skiing, figure out ways to play. Though not exactly holiday related, I am still getting a good dose of fun in the sun this winter from playing pickleball (the perks of living in San Diego)!
Day 10: Connect with Like-Minded People
The holidays can feel isolating for for those who have left high control religion. Connecting with chosen family or a supportive community can be an absolute lifeline. A Friendsgiving dinner or a virtual check-in with like-minded friends can do wonders to remind you that you’re not alone.
Day 11: Reflect on What You’ve Released
Healing often involves letting go—of beliefs, relationships, or ways of living that no longer serve you. Take time to honor what you’ve left behind, even if it’s painful - letting go creates space for growth and new beginnings. This year I have been letting go of fucks to give caring about what other people think :-)
Day 12: Rest
If you need to spend an entire day curled up on the couch watching Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate, that’s valid. Rest is essential, productive, and healing. Give yourself permission to do nothing.
Moving Forward…
The holiday season doesn’t have to look the way it used to, and it doesn’t have to be completely overwhelming. With boundaries, self-care, and intentionality, you can create a season that feels authentic to who you are and that honors your healing and growth.
If the holidays feel especially hard this year, remember that you don’t have to face them alone. As a licensed therapist specializing in religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and faith deconstruction, I’m here to support you. Whether you are in California, Florida, or Missouri, I’d love to help you rebuild a life that is truly yours.
Ready to take the next step? Request a free 15 minute phone consultation today.
Wishing you peace, joy, and self-compassion this holiday season.
