Navigating the Holidays After Faith Deconstruction: A Religious Trauma Therapist’s Perspective on Gratitude
A couple weeks ago my wife and I boarded a plane to Denver, CO to join 11 other adults, 2 kids, and 1 canine for the 2nd biennial Friendsgiving weekend our group of friends has orchestrated. Though Friendsgiving gatherings have become more common in current culture, I do think there is something unique about this particular group of friends getting together, but I might be biased 😉.
We met 28 (!!) years ago at a small liberal arts school outside of Chicago called Wheaton College. If you are familiar with this institution, you know it is very conservative, very evangelical, and likes to consider itself…
“...the Harvard of Christian schools.”
(Lol like what does that even mean…)
Anyway, we all had our own different reasons for choosing that school as little 18 year olds. But I imagine that one reason we had in common was wanting to find a sense of community during our college experience. Somehow, through many years, life stages and experiences, and lots of growth, we have remained the closest of friends.
Interestingly, each of us has also experienced our own deconstructions along the way. Whether of faith or identity or relationships, we have all faced major situations, circumstances, and even crises where what we believed or were taught or were tolerating no longer aligned with our values, life experiences, or who we were as people, and had to be rebuilt - sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly.
On the faith spectrum, we are now quite diverse = some have reconstructed a belief in God; others have landed in agnosticism or atheism; some identify as spiritual; and others would say “I’m still figuring all that out.”
In addition to diverse beliefs, we are also quite diverse geographically (west coast to east coast and in between) and vocationally (consultants, educators, and researchers - oh my!). Though our current lives look VERY different from each other in myriad ways, our connection has deepened over the years as we have all evolved together and recognized that:
1) Life is messy.
2) Not much is certain (except maybe death and taxes).
3)Life can be hard - which is why friends are so important.
But, I digress…back to Friendsgiving weekend!
Night #1 was spent celebrating a birthday with a pizza party, bowling, laser tag, arcade games, and cake.
Night #2 was spent eating Friendsgiving dinner, after a full day of cooking and collaborative meal preparation. We all sat around a long table beautifully decorated by the artistic members of the group for a festive meal as one big happy family (with only minimal drama during the day related to differing opinions about gravy methods, and trying to convince the 2 kids that stringing the Armenian cheese was actually a fun task so that they would help).
One of our friends brought thanksgiving themed table place cards that had each of our names on one side (for randomized assigned seating!), and on the other side had space to write in what you are grateful for. As the dinner progressed, stories were told, memories were shared, tears were shed, and even some 90s CCM karaoke happened. Sitting there taking it all in, I was struck by the fact that other than my biological family, the people around that table are the ones on this planet who have known me the longest. I really was overcome with a sense of gratitude for all of them.
An aside - gratitude can be a tricky thing in high control religion. It is often used to bypass or avoid feeling pain and discomfort. Upset about not getting that promotion? Just be grateful that you even have a job. Grieving the friend or family member who recently died? Just be grateful for the time you had with them. Irritated with that problematic family member? Just be grateful God put them in your life to minister to.
What felt different to me in that moment of gratitude around the Friendsgiving table compared to how I was taught to practice gratitude in evangelicalism was that I was not using it to defend against pain or strong-arm myself into being happy or okay when I really wasn’t. I wasn’t feeling one way and needing to mask or fix how I felt. I truly was…grateful.
In light of the fact that many of you were probably also taught in high control religion to use gratitude to bypass pain and discomfort, I thought I would share my list of thanks from the Friendsgiving 2024 table. I encourage you to come up with your own list that sets aside any bypassing or “I shouldn’t feel _______ so I will just try to be grateful for _______” and focuses on thankfulness for what is.
What I’m thankful for:
Chosen Family:
People who have known me for 28 years and have seen me grow and change and evolve along the way, and have loved me through it.
Getting a glimpse at what true family is supposed to feel like (that unfortunately often gets missed in high control religion families) = welcoming, warm, supportive, joyful, delightful, loyal, transparent, unconditional.
Safety:
Friends who see and accept me fully without judgement or conditions.
I know I can be myself around this group, and don’t feel any pressure to perform or conform like I sometimes do elsewhere.
Safety makes me feel grounded - when I am around this group, I feel like myself, and for that I’m grateful!
Laughter:
Laughter really is the best medicine. Any time this group reunites, there is SO much laughter. We sure know be silly and have fun together. My abdominal muscles are sore from laughing so much!
Growth (both personal and communal):
I am so grateful that none of us have stayed the same people we were 28 years ago and that each of us have made it a priority to grow, change, evolve, and expand our understanding of ourselves, each other, and the world.
Moving Forward with Gratitude
For me, Friendsgiving was a beautiful reminder that gratitude is simple. It can be found in the laughter of friends, stringing Armenian string cheese (you should definitely try it sometime!), or quiet moments of reflection. Thankfulness for what is, instead of thankfulness to bypass an uncomfortable or “unacceptable” feeling, is what gratitude is all about.
This holiday season, I hope you’ll find your own version of gratitude—one that feels true to who you are. And if you need support along the way, know that you’re not alone. As a religious trauma therapist, I’m here to help you navigate the complexities of healing, faith deconstruction, and creating a life that feels whole and authentic. If you are looking to start therapy with a licensed therapist who specializes in religious trauma and spiritual abuse, I am accepting new clients in CA, FL, and MO. Request a free consult below to get started.
Wishing you peace, joy, and authentic gratitude this holiday season.