Making New Friends After Leaving High Control Religion
"Do I really want to bail on that new meetup group today, or am I feeling anxious that I’ll never make deep connections again after deconstructing my faith and leaving my church community?”
“Will people think I’m weird?”
“Will non-religious people understand when I try to explain what I went through in my church?”
“Will I bum people out because I’m still sad about the friends I’ve lost?”
“Do I really want to sit at home by myself and watch Schitt’s Creek, or am I wanting to avoid meeting new people because that is really uncomfortable for me?”
“What if I can’t find any points of connection with people because in the past a belief in God was always the point of connection?”
Making new friends after leaving your faith community is HARD.
Churches are often marketed as second families, and the longer you spend in a faith community, the deeper those familial bonds and attachments grow. The loss of that community, those close relationships, and that sense of belonging after experiencing religious trauma or deconstructing your faith is devastating. At a time when you need connection and support the most, you find yourself isolated and alone.
Not only are you grieving the loss of your community, but you were likely taught that non-religious people (i.e. non-believers) are dangerous, have questionable morals, and should be avoided (except when evangelizing or trying to convert them) so they don’t negatively influence you. Non-believers were viewed as too worldly and/or caring too much about the things in the world, so you were told to not get too close to them to protect your own spiritual wellbeing.
So, you can’t go back to your faith community (because you no longer align with their beliefs, or because they have distanced themselves from you because of your doubts, or a combination of both) but you were taught that people who are not in your faith community are bad and scary.
What a trap!
This is your reminder that there are amazing people, connections, and friendships out there post religion.
If you’re feeling anxious about taking this step, I have a wonderful piece of advice to share with you from Dr. Marisa G. Franco in her book “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends”…
“…When meeting new people, just assume that they like you.”
I absolutely love this encouragement because it speaks directly against what is often taught in high control religion - to always think of oneself as bad, evil, less than, and broken. The energy behind this piece of advice is more like “I have something to offer, I deserve to take up space, I am worthy of connection, I matter, and I’m pretty awesome.”
Here are some ideas on where to start building new community after leaving high control religion:
Common interest groups:
One tactic to making new friends is to focus on activities that you already know you like doing. Do you like to crochet? Join a crocheting group. Do you like to speak French? Join a French-speaking group. Do you like to play a sport? Join a league.
The worst that can happen is that you are doing something you enjoy. The best that can happen is that you meet some cool people while you are doing something you enjoy.
Volunteer:
Another tactic to finding community after leaving high control religion is to give back to causes and organizations that matter to you. Offering your time and energy to help others is a way to get outside of yourself, and if you are doing that alongside others who care about the same thing, you are bound to find people that are potential friend material.
So, if you like pets, volunteer at the local humane society to walk dogs. If you like plants, find a community garden where you can help with the upkeep. If you like literature, ask your local library if there are any ways you can help out. Get creative!
Activity that is social:
I recently heard this directive: “Make your physical activity social, and your social-ness physically active.” What a great idea! Combining physical activity with being social is a fantastic way to get a double dose of self-care and dopamine.
A few years ago my wife embodied this quite well by starting a neighborhood walking group. She realized that there were so many people living around us that we had never interacted with, and decided that walking with other people would be a great way to find new friends.
She posted on NextDoor that she was wanting to meet more neighbors and invited people to join her for evening walks. The response was overwhelming! She eventually started her own online group to coordinate it and it grew to over 100 members. Someone even stopped her on the street once asking if she was the leader of the local neighborhood walking group. It goes to show that you never know what will happen if you put yourself out there.
So, will everyone you meet be bff material?
Probably not.
But with time and intention, you will eventually find your people. And remember, just assume that people like you!
Do you resonate with any of the above? Healing is possible! I work with clients everyday who have experienced religious harm and who are doing the work to tend to their pain, identify and disrupt the harmful narratives they were indoctrinated with, and rebuild their lives.
If you are ready to start unpacking what happened to you in high control religion with a therapist who specializes in religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and faith deconstruction, I’m accepting new clients in CA, FL, and MO. Send me a message to request a free 15 minute consultation to get started.