Embracing Emotions After Leaving High Control Religion: A Healing Journey
Years ago when I was still in high control religion, I remember being at a worship gathering that I was involved in (yes, former worship leader here!) where a time of intercessory prayer had started. People were invited to confess their sins, share their struggles, and ask for others to petition to God on their behalf.
I was in therapy at the time, privately navigating a whole host of challenges (i.e. “I don’t know if I believe what the church teaches anymore”…“I think I’ve been minimizing my family of origin trauma”…“Also I think I might be gay”…to name a few). In hindsight, I have a lot of empathy for my younger self in that season of life as I can see now that I was immersed in a community where most of the things I was struggling with were considered not allowed, off limits, or taboo. In other words, aside from my therapist, I was all alone with these massive things to navigate.
Even though the emotions that were beginning to surface for me related to all the things I was starting to process in therapy were uncomfortable and sometimes painful, I remember feeling like something was waking up inside of me, kind of like something that had long been asleep, frozen, or anesthetized was finally coming to life.
But looking back, I can see how I was probably presenting as sad, confused, and withdrawn. Who wouldn’t be given my circumstances, right? And given that I probably seemed down, I can understand how people in my community may have been concerned about me.
Anyway, at this particular worship gathering, someone approached me asking if they could pray for me. I didn’t really want them to, but I said “sure” anyway because I didn’t want to seem rude or ungrateful (if you grew up in high control religion, I’m sure you have experienced how impossible it feels to say “no” to someone who wants to pray for you or give you a word from the Lord!).
As they were praying for me, I wasn’t really paying attention to most of what they said - I was at the point in my faith deconstruction journey where I was annoyed by the “Christianese” language I heard day in and day out. But all of the sudden I heard them say, “God, please take away this mantle of sadness that I sense over Christine.”
In that moment I was jolted back to the present by something happening internally for me. I felt angry. My insides were protesting what this person was praying about. There was something about someone asking God to take away my feelings - these signs of life that I was starting to notice inside - that really upset me and felt fundamentally wrong. Even though I was sad, confused, and scared, at least I was feeling something, and I didn’t want anyone, not even God, to take that away. I didn’t have the words to articulate then why that felt so wrong, but now I know that emotions, as well as our ability to feel them, are crucial to our healing journey.
Feelings are morally neutral
In high control religion, people are encouraged to be joyful and/or grateful in all circumstances, even if those circumstances are awful, and even if they are experiencing emotions that are far from joy and gratitude. Furthermore, most feelings in high control religion, especially the ones that might be considered “negative,” are assigned a moral value. What I mean by that is emotions like joy and gratitude are considered good and holy, while emotions like fear, sadness, and jealousy are considered bad, sinful, not allowed, and displeasing to God.
For instance, if you are anxious, you might be told that being anxious is offensive to God because you are doubting that he is in control and will work out whatever you are anxious about. If you are sad, you might be told to not be sad and just be grateful for what God has already given you. If you feel angry, you might be told to make sure to get rid of that anger before the sun goes down.
However, our emotions provide us with valuable information about what we need and what we want. If you are feeling anxiety, your internal world is probably trying to tell you that something feels scary or threatening and that you need to get away from it and find safety. If you are feeling sad, your internal world is probably trying to tell you that you have experienced loss, need to grieve, and would benefit from being comforted. If you are feeling angry, your internal world is probably trying to tell you that something important to you has been violated and that you need to set a boundary.
Unfortunately in high control religion, this assigning of moral value to feelings creates a scenario in which people have to shut down most of their emotional experience to belong to their faith community and to be connected to and in favor with God.
I spent most of my time in high control religion emotionally shut down and numb because most of what I felt was not allowed in my faith community. I consider starting therapy and finally paying attention to my feelings as a major turning point in my growth, development, and healing as a human being.
If there were to be any pieces of information that I would want you to leave this blog post with, it would be the following:
Feelings are morally neutral
All feelings are valid
All feelings are useful
Do you resonate with any of the above? Healing is possible! I work with clients everyday who have experienced religious harm and who are doing the work to tend to their pain, identify and disrupt the harmful narratives they were indoctrinated with, and rebuild their lives.
If you are ready to start unpacking what happened to you in high control religion with a therapist who specializes in religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and faith deconstruction, I’m accepting new clients in CA, FL, and MO. Send me a message to request a free 15 minute consultation to get started.