The Aftermath of Religious Trauma – What We Often Need to Relearn…

As I was thinking about what to write for this week’s blog post, I thought it might be helpful to take a step back and give a bird’s eye view of some common things that people often need to address or relearn during their journey of healing from religious trauma.  

For people who grew up in high control and rigid religious environments, harmful theology and fear- and shame-based messaging can affect most areas of life.  It can be the entire framework on which someone builds their existence.  If or when someone decides they can no longer be a part of those communities for whatever reason, it can feel like they don’t know which way is up, like they don’t know how to think or feel, and like they don’t know who to turn to for support/comfort.  A LOT has to get reassessed and rewired.  

While everyone’e journey is unique, there are some common themes.  Here are a few to think about!

Critical Thinking:

High control religions often discourage critical thinking and encourage unquestioning obedience to religious authorities. People are taught to accept beliefs, doctrines, and rules without question.  In fact, questioning or doubting the way things are is often portrayed as bad, sinful, or disobedient.  Thinking back to sitting in one of my first theology classes freshman year at college, I remember the professor asking a somewhat controversial question about faith and doctrine, and feeling anxious because I had been conditioned not to question what I had been taught about the Bible.  I remember also feeling shocked at the number of hands that went up around me and the freedom with which the other students were engaging in critical examination of the topic at hand.  I thought to myself, “How and where did these peers get permission to doubt and debate and question like this?” I felt jealous and mad that the specific brand of Christianity I grew up in did not teach me or equip me with that life skill, and in fact taught me the opposite. Relearning critical thinking skills can be essential in order to assess beliefs, make informed decisions, and navigate the complexities of the world.

Self-Acceptance: 

Many rigid religious frameworks instill a sense of guilt and shame, making individuals feel unworthy or sinful. The doctrine of original sin is used to teach that people are inherently evil.  When this belief is absorbed, it is easy to believe that you don’t have value because you are bad (or that the only reason you have value is because God saved you).  When we believe that we don’t have value, our choices and decisions can reflect that belief.  Relearning self-acceptance and self-compassion is crucial for building a healthy self-image.  

Identity Exploration: 

Individuals who have been deeply embedded in a conservative religious community may have never had the opportunity to explore their own identity. Relearning who you are, what you value, and what your beliefs and desires are is an important aspect of healing.   Specifically, issues of gender identity and sexual identity are usually off limits to explore and discover in most conservative religious circles.  In religious trauma recovery, LGBTQIA+ individuals often need time, space, and support to discover and process who they are and how they identify.

Boundaries: 

High control religions often blur boundaries between the individual and the community, and personal boundaries can become unclear. This can be especially prevalent in situations like how much people are expected or asked to volunteer/serve, or how much authority someone gives a pastor or church leader in their life when making decisions, big or small.  When saying no to serving/volunteering can be labeled as selfish, setting boundaries with your time and energy can feel wrong, even though it is a very healthy and necessary thing to do.   When someone is portrayed as a religious authority figure and seems to know a lot about God and Scripture, it can be difficult to say “I’m not going to do that,” when they say, “God says you should do _______”.  Relearning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, as well as how to make independent and autonomous choices are both fundamental aspects of healing from religious trauma.

Emotional Regulation: 

Many individuals from high control religious backgrounds have suppressed or ignored their emotions. Because most “negative” emotions are perceived as bad or sinful (i.e. sadness, fear, anger, jealousy), a common defense against them is to shut down or numb feelings, ignore feelings, or to just pretend they are not there.  Our feelings are usually trying to tell us something, and are often the arc of experience that gets us from the problem to the solution.  When feelings are ignored or dismissed or shamed, we stay stuck.  Relearning how to recognize, express, and regulate emotions is vital for our emotional health.

Community and Support Systems: 

Leaving a conservative religious community can result in isolation. Often church communities serve as second families and are the people that we turn to when we are hurting and need support, as well as who we celebrate with and share our lives with.  When someone has to exit their faith community, grief is a common emotional experience while processing the loss of this community.  Relearning how to build new, supportive social networks and communities is crucial to find a new sense of belonging and connection.

Understanding of Other Belief Systems: 

High control religions often discourage or demonize other belief systems. Other religions are sometimes labeled as cults or evil or “of the devil.”  But getting curious about other belief systems and religions, instead of judging them as bad or wrong, is an important step in expanding your worldview.  Relearning an open and non-judgmental understanding of different worldviews is important for a more inclusive and compassionate outlook on life and the world.

Coping Mechanisms: 

People exiting rigid religious environments may need to relearn healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress, anxiety, and other emotional challenges without relying on religious practices that were previously used.  Prayer, fasting, reading Scripture, doing “daily devotions” are all ways that the church instructs people to cope with distress or pain.  While these methods are not inherently bad or wrong, practical skills like meditation, deep breathing, yoga/stretching, and therapy can go a long way.  

Everyone’s healing journey is unique, so it’s essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate these changes.  If you resonate with any of the above, and/or if you are a survivor of religious trauma or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey.  Reach out today for a free consultation.