I Interviewed My Friends About Their Religious Trauma – This Is What They Said (Part 1)
When I was thinking about what I would write for a blog post on religious trauma this week, I realized that my own personal experience with it is just that – my own unique experience…one person’s story out of many. In order to give you a variety of real-life examples of how religious trauma is experienced and processed, I decided to interview some of my friends who have gone through their own journeys of healing from religious trauma and spiritual abuse, and they kindly agreed!
These specific stories are all experiences within conservative evangelical communities, and you may hear echos of your own story reflected in the experiences of these individuals. Even if your experience with religious trauma is within a different religious context, there do tend to be some common themes across religions, especially in rigid and controlling faith environments.
The following candid stories are shared with permission, and with personal info changed to protect identity. Just for fun, names have been changed to the names of country music hall of famers – because why not? 🙂
Before we get personal, let’s start with some definitions…
What is religious trauma?
Religious trauma refers to the psychological and emotional distress caused by harmful or abusive experiences within religious or spiritual contexts. It usually occurs in response to someone in a religious community going through the following two experiences: 1) prolonged exposure to things like indoctrination, spiritual manipulation, shaming, or being ostracized due to differing beliefs, and 2) eventually leaving the controlling religious community. The double impact of these experiences can lead to feelings of guilt, fear, and confusion, creating a profound impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being.
What is spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse occurs when religious authority figures misuse their power to manipulate or control others emotionally and spiritually. This can take various forms, such as gaslighting, coercive tactics, or imposing rigid beliefs on individuals. Victims of spiritual abuse may experience feelings of betrayal, self-doubt, fear, and shame.
The interviews…
Reba’s story:
Reba talked about how the doctrine of original sin affected her self-esteem (the doctrine of original sin is the belief that we are born bad, selfish, wicked, and depraved). She explained that she was taught that these bad and selfish qualities were her natural state, and that only with God could she be good, selfless, and pure. Reba discussed how that belief created low self-worth, and that she was always operating out of the belief that she was inherently bad, which created constant shame about who she was.
When Reba had kids, she explained that’s when everything fell apart. As she was watching her kids grow up, she started noticing that they were actually inherently good, wanting to do good, and wired for loving and supportive connections. This caused her belief system related to original sin to be turned upside down, and she started questioning “Maybe humans (including myself) aren’t inherently bad after all.” This shift also impacted her parenting style, as she did not want to perpetuate the same cycles of shame and guilt in her kids.
Garth’s story:
When I asked Garth how he would answer the question “What was your experience with religious trauma?” he talked about his journey of learning to trust his own feelings, intuition, and gut instinct. He explained that in church he was taught to distrust or dismiss his own emotions if they didn’t fall into the category of happy or grateful. Anything outside the realm of positive feelings meant he didn’t trust God enough or was ungrateful for what he already had. Learning that his own emotional experiences actually provided important data points for things like his needs, wants, and boundaries was a key shift in his healing from religious trauma.
Garth also talked about experiencing subtle messaging related to leaders or pastors knowing best (and better than him) about what he might need or what choices he should make, even if his sense of things was the opposite. Submitting to this type of religious authority was taught as what God wanted and also in his best interests. Garth talked about how at times this felt like manipulation.
Dolly’s story:
Dolly grew up in a household where her dad was a pastor. Dolly explained that correct doctrine and intellect were highly valued in her family growing up. Feelings were always questioned and measured up against this correct doctrine as the guide, and if she thought or felt differently than what the correct doctrine stated she should think or feel, she would have to discount her own internal experience in order to fall in line with what was taught. This was problematic because the choice was either 1) invalidate her own experience of something so that she could adhere to correct doctrine, or 2) affirm her own experience of something that goes against the doctrine, but risk being ostracized or exiled as a result. Accepting that her internal experience is a valid thing for her to consider in forming a world view or making choices about what she needs/wants has been an important part of her journey.
Hopefully hearing from these different individuals and their experiences with religious trauma is helpful in identifying or validating some of the ways in which you have been affected by rigid and controlling religious systems. Stay tuned for more interviews and stories in future blog posts!
If you are a survivor of religious trauma or spiritual abuse, or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey. Reach out today for a free consultation.