Purity culture and the LGBTQIA+ experience
As a therapist who works with survivors of religious trauma, and as a queer person who grew up in conservative Christianity, I have seen the widespread and harmful impact of purity culture in the lives of queer individuals. Let’s dive in…
What is purity culture?
Purity culture is a system of religious beliefs that strongly emphasizes sexual “purity”. Within this system, individuals are taught that the main way to achieve sexual purity is by abstaining from sex before marriage. But it’s not just abstaining from sex that is taught – even sexual thoughts and feelings are sinful, “impure,” and to be avoided. Linda Kay Klein (author of the book “Pure”) says it well: “Everyone is expected to maintain absolute sexlessness before marriage (that means no sexual thoughts, feelings, or actions). And upon marriage, they are expected to flip their sexuality on like a light switch.”
I have heard many horrific and shame-based metaphors of sexual impurity that have been taught in churches and youth groups, comparing an individual to:
A used piece of tape…
The illustration = one person adheres a piece of tape to someone else’s arm, symbolizing that the two people had sex. The tape is then ripped off, symbolizing that the 2 people broke up. The piece of tape is now dirty with arm hair and skin cells, and has lost its ability to adhere to another arm. The metaphor = when we have sex before marriage we become unclean and less able to bond to our potential spouse.
A chewed up piece of gum…
The illustration = a teacher or youth pastor tells students that they are all like pieces of gum, and that having sex is like being chewed. The metaphor = if you have sex with multiple partners before marriage, you become like a chewed up piece of gum that has lost its flavor and therefore has no worth.
A rose with no petals…
The illustration = a rose is passed around the room, and people are instructed to remove a petal when it comes to them, and then pass it on. The metaphor = when we have sex before marriage, we give a piece of ourselves away each time until there is potentially nothing left.
(If I may remove my professional hat for just a minute, I would like to interject a heartfelt WTAF about all of the above. Continuing on…)
Additionally, women are taught that their bodies are inherently bad. Because the female body can cause men to “stumble” (i.e. have “impure” thoughts, lust, etc.), the responsibility was placed on women to protect their Christian brothers from “falling into sin” (i.e. choosing to engage in sexual activity or even just having sexual thoughts). The rules for women were to not dress sensually, not reveal too much skin or cleavage, and basically to cover up so that men were not tempted to behave in sexually improper ways or think sexually impure thoughts.
Double the transgressions = double the shame
But, all the “don’t have sex before marriage” messaging was referring to heterosexual relationships between a cis-man and cis-woman. So what about the LGBTQIA+ experience within this narrative? For queer people in these conservative religious contexts, the purity messaging becomes even more problematic: “If sex before marriage in heterosexual relationships is as serious an offense as everyone is making it out to be, how much more bad or sinful am I that would prefer to be sexually intimate with someone of the same sex or gender? How much further would that separate me from God?”
Furthermore, if a queer person in a faith community is closeted and having consensual non-hetero sexual experiences in private, there are 2 levels of shame and judgment that happen – 1) shame from the messaging that any sexual experience before marriage is wrong, and 2) shame that any sexual experience outside of a heteronormative one is wrong.
Other common messages related to queer people that add to the shame based purity messaging in religious communities are “hate the sin, love the sinner,“ and the idea that same sex relationships are “not God’s best for you.” Churches teach their congregations to hate the “sin” of same sex relationships and/or queer sex, but to still love and welcome the “sinner”, i.e. the queer person. On the other hand, though some churches don’t outright define same sex relationships as sinful, they still judge them as not what Got would want for someone. If a queer person is acting on their sexual desires in a same sex relationship (even a long term monogamous one), they are not choosing what “God’s best” is for them, i.e. a heterosexual relationship. Because of this perceived bad choice, they are judged as not fit for leadership positions and are not allowed to serve in the church community. These messages create a second class citizenship level for queer people – they are tolerated and welcomed up to a point, but excluded from full inclusion and belonging, and excluded from leadership or using their gifts for the good of the community.
Unpacking purity culture in the LGBTQIA+ community
Sound like a lot to unpack? It most certainly is. Fortunately there are a lot of good resources out there to help you on your journey. Here are a few:
1. Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free, Linda Kay Klein = This is a great resource if you are looking to read about the experiences of purity culture in the lives of other people. Each chapter is dedicated to one person’s unique story of how purity culture affected them and how they have navigated their healing journey.
2. Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms, Matthias Roberts = Mattias is a queer therapist and theologian who writes about messages related to sex in the church, the problematic nature of shame, and how to determine your own definition of healthy sex.
3. The Wisdom of our Bodies, Hillary McBride = Though this book is not specifically about purity culture, it is about disembodiment, which is a common experience for those in purity culture and survivors of religious trauma. When we are taught that our bodies are bad, our desires are sinful, or that our physical features cause other people to “stumble,” a natural and sometimes unconscious defense against all of that is to disconnect from our bodies. Dr. McBride does a great job of outlining what disembodiment looks like, why it happens, and how to reconnect with our physical bodies.
If you are a survivor of purity culture and religious trauma, or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey. Reach out today for a free consultation.