Depression and anxiety in LGBTQIA+ survivors of religious trauma

It does not take a lot of mental gymnastics to understand that growing up in conservative religious communities as a queer person creates all sorts of challenges, struggles, disconnection, and pain.  When your identity or who you love has to be kept a secret in order to belong or to protect against judgement and shame, symptoms of depression and anxiety are a natural result.

Fear, shame, and hiding…

It is painful on many levels to have one’s acceptance in a community be based on a strict set of rules and beliefs that they do not fit into, and is obviously not a recipe to be able to live freely and openly.  These rigid belief systems create a scenario where an individual has to choose between masking or splitting off major parts of their identity, or being open about their identity but risk being judged and ostracized.  Hiding becomes the norm, which sets in motion internal fear, shame, and isolation.

Imagine putting your thoughts and feelings under an internal microscope that is trying to detect any possible way that you could get rejected or ostracized if you were to express those thoughts and feelings.  Passing your inner experience through a filter of “Is this feeling allowed?  Is this thought acceptable?  Will I be judged or ostracized?  Will I be found out?” is fertile ground for feeling sad, worthless, and hopeless (i.e. depression), and feeling nervous, having a sense of impending doom, and having trouble concentrating and sleeping (i.e anxiety).

The dangers of either / or messaging…

When you have to question every word or non-verbal expression before you speak or act, you experience fear and shame.  If thoughts and feelings are constantly getting sorted into a “good” category and into a “bad” category, the natural result is that someone feels fractured into either / or identities = I’m either pure or impure; clean or dirty; accepted or rejected; honorable or shameful.  This black and white thinking does not allow room for any of the “gray” or the integrated both / and = I am both awesome and have flaws; I am both amazing and have room to grow; I am both queer and believe in God; I both am cynical and have faith; I am both self-aware and have blindspots.  When we don’t measure up to these really rigid requirements for holiness or inclusion and are programmed for black and white thinking, it is easy to get trapped into believing that we are bad, unworthy, or don’t matter, which can worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression.

This black and white thinking can also creep into our relationships.  Instead of being able to hold space for the both / and with beliefs like “I am both lovable and sometimes annoy my partner,” or “My partner can disagree with me and still be on my side in life,” when we experience conflict or tension with a loved one we might think, “I pissed them off and now they don’t love me anymore.”

All of the above messages speak to core identity.  When someone is in an environment where they are hearing this fear and shame based messaging on repeat, it is only a matter of time before those messages become internalized.  Narratives like, “The unedited version of me is not acceptable,” can persist in someone even after they have left an unaffirming faith community.

So, how do we start shifting those internal narratives and reducing our symptoms?

Obviously there are no quick fixes, easy answers, or magic pills.  There are, however, a few practical things you can do that can help you feel less depressed or less anxious, and that can help you increase self-empathy and compassion.

1.  Move your body

Physically moving your body is scientifically proven to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Whether it is going for a walk, a jog, lifting weights, dancing, doing yoga, going surfing, etc., taking care of your body is a great way to take care of your mental health.   Also, it is important to allow yourself to embody your physical being and to take up space when you were essentially taught to stay small and to be invisible, and moving your body is a great way to do that.

2.  Make new social connections

In addition to moving our bodies, social connections are also scientifically proven to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Bonus points if they are LGBTQIA+!  Meetup groups, online groups, joining a local LGBTQIA+ activism center…these are all great ways to make new connections. 

3.  Start therapy

Finding a therapist who specializes in both religious trauma and queer identity can be a great way to start alleviating symptoms of depression and anxiety.  When our stories are heard, when our emotions are tended to and befriended, when our experiences are validated, internal narratives can start to shift toward beliefs like “I matter”, “I am lovable”, and “I deserve good things.” 

If you are an LGBTQIA+ individual and are a survivor of religious trauma or spiritual abuse, or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey.  Reach out today for a free consultation.