Why Survivors of Religious Trauma Feel Isolated

One thing I see a lot in my work with people who are healing from religious trauma and spiritual abuse or who are deconstructing their faith is a pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation, as well as the question of “what now?” Survivors feel alone, sometimes even abandoned, and also carry a sense of “no one else understands what this feels like or what I’m going through – I feel like I’ve lost my community, and now I have no one to turn to or talk to about all these really important, confusing, and distressing things.” Churches and faith organizations are often marketed as “home” or as a place where you belong. People who grow up in these settings and communities feel this sense of a second family acutely, but even people who seek out churches or faith communities in adulthood as places of comfort when they are experiencing stress or pain can begin to feel like their church is a home away from home. It can become the main place where all of someone’s support system resides – social, emotional, spiritual, and relational.

Unfortunately when someone begins questioning the beliefs, theology, and values of the religious system they are a part of, their relationships within that system can start to suffer at a time when someone needs relational support the most. Distance, tension, and discord can surface in these relationships that once felt close, secure, and safe. When someone begins to question the system, to doubt the black and white messages and rules, and to listen to their inner voice that says “something about this isn’t working for me anymore”, it can be a very lonely journey to walk. Furthermore, when someone voices these concerns and is met with prescriptive answers of “just have faith” or “God has a plan” or “have you prayed about it?”, one can feel even more ostracized and alone.

When someone makes the decision to exit their faith community because they no longer align with the theology and worldview of the organization, they are not just leaving behind the problematic theology and worldview, but they are also leaving behind people, friendships, attachments, community, and what felt like a second or adopted family. If we view the severing and termination of these relationships through the lens of a family system (i.e. the place where one goes for support, nurture, care, belonging, safety, attunement, etc.), it makes sense why the loss of a faith community can be so devastating to an individual.

When we are isolated and alone, the reality is that we usually don’t come to many positive conclusions about ourselves or our worth. We conclude (whether consciously or not) that we are the problem or that it was // is our fault when all we have is the echo chamber within that was wired to believe that we are depraved or at fault or needing atonement for our sinful nature. When we are programmed to believe that we are inherently bad, our internal world will find supporting evidence for that claim, regardless of the truth of that claim or not. Thus, connection and finding new supportive relationships is a very important component in healing from religious trauma.

4 ways to build connections while healing from religious trauma or deconstructing your faith…

It takes a lot of bravery and courage to stand up against an oppressive or abusive religious system, especially when that might mean that you will be discarded, ostracized, or excommunicated. Here are some tips to rebuild a network of social support if you are experiencing loneliness and isolation after leaving a faith community:

1. Join online communities related to religious trauma and faith deconstruction.

Hearing the experiences of others can be validating to your own experience of pain and wounding within religious contexts, and can help you know that you are not alone.

2. Join in person groups that are centered around an activity that you like. 

For me this has been pickleball open play groups! It’s been great to be outside moving my body and meeting new people. And, playing a game while being social takes the pressure off of having to find a lot of deep things to talk about and connect over if you are tapped out, because I can just say, “Nice shot, Linda!” Find what works for you.

3. Reach out to safe family and friends and acquaintances for support. 

It can be difficult to reach out to people when we need it the most. Narratives of “I don’t want to be a bother” or “Nothing really that bad has happened to me” can surface and become obstacles to receiving the support that we need when we are hurting. Do your best to disobey these internal messages and reach out to someone.

4. Start therapy. 

Find a therapist who specializes in religious trauma and faith deconstruction. Oftentimes, religious trauma therapists will even specialize in a specific religious denomination (i.e. Evangelicalism, Mormonism, etc.), which can save you a lot of time in having to explain background and underlying theological beliefs and messaging that you experienced and are grappling with.

If you are a survivor of religious trauma or spiritual abuse, or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey. Reach out today for a free consultation.