What About My Feelings? Harmful Messages About Emotions In Religion

If you have been a part of a high control or rigid religious community, you have probably encountered some harmful messaging about emotions.  This can make it quite problematic to experience the full range of human feelings within these contexts!  In fact, I would assert that in a lot of high control and rigid religious systems, there is no room to be fully human.

In my work with survivors of religious trauma and people who are deconstructing their faith, this topic about feelings and what they mean in the context of church communities comes up a lot.  Let’s take a look at common messages about emotions that are often found in religious systems.

Fear / anxiety

In church contexts, feeling fear and anxiety are often classified as a sins.  There are a myriad of Bible verses that are used to make the point that feeling anxiety, worry, or fear is going against what God expects or commands, and is therefore bad.  Scriptures like “Do not be anxious about anything…” or “Be strong, do not fear…” or “Fear not, for I am with you…” at times are taught to mean that someone should not feel anxious or worried, and if they do, they simply do not have enough faith, or don’t trust enough that God will quickly resolve whatever it is that is causing them to worry or feel anxious.  

Furthermore, because fear and anxiety are interpreted as negative, people are encouraged to repent and/or pray for forgiveness for having them.  Though perhaps not stated explicitly, the natural consequence of this is that someone feels shame (i.e. “I’m bad”) for experiencing what is a very normal human emotion.

In these contexts, fear and anxiety can also be presented as emotions that we need to get rid of (instead of pay attention to).  This is problematic in the sense that fear and anxiety are often warning signs for us that we are in danger.  

We have built in emotional responses that are designed to protect us from harm, and when we are taught that fear and anxiety are bad and need to be gotten rid of, it can make us vulnerable to harm.

Sadness / disappointment

In some religious communities, feeling sad or disappointed can be interpreted as someone being ungrateful for what God has already given them.  Bible verses like “Rejoice in the Lord always…” or “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances…”  are sometimes misused with individuals who are feeling sadness, disappointment, grief, or depression, and are taken to mean that sadness and disappointment are “not allowed.”  Though well-intentioned or maybe even meant to encourage, telling someone who is feeling sad, depressed, or disappointed that they should just be happy about what God has already blessed them with only serves to invalidate and dismiss their actual and very real feelings. 

This is problematic when people have valid experiences and situations to be sad and disappointed about.  Unfortunately when there are not safe and welcoming spaces in religious communities for people to acknowledge and be present to sadness and disappointment, problematic ways of coping can start, like numbing, minimizing, intellectualizing, deflecting, and avoiding. 

Anger

Religious systems frequently talk about being slow to anger, which obviously in many situations can be beneficial.  Volatility and quick-temperedness can cause problems and negative consequences in relationships, at work, and in public.  However, anger does serve a purpose and can alert us to a threat, a violation, or an injustice.  

One common message about anger in church communities is “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  In other words, don’t be angry with someone or a situation without resolving it by the end of the day.  But sometimes that is exactly what we need – a good night’s sleep, a fresh perspective, the ability to regulate ourselves that comes with time and space – to help us be able to resolve the situation that is causing us anger.

In addition, there are many situations with threats/violations that are big enough that it is unrealistic to resolve the anger related to it in 24 hours.  Putting this kind of pressure or expectation on someone’s natural human response to being wronged is harmful because it teaches them that their anger is not allowed past a certain marker of time.  

Anger can also be a very motivating emotion, especially when someone is becoming more empowered and strengthened in their sense of self.  Anger about injustices we have endured or ways we have been violated can give us the motivation we need to start making changes.  Getting the message that someone can only be angry for so long does a disservice to their growth and healing.

Overwhelm

Overwhelm can feel like you are drowning, like you are getting overpowered by life, or that you are being inundated with distressing feelings and don’t believe you have the capacity to overcome them. 

Often in religious systems, messages like “God will never give you any more than you can handle” come up when someone is struggling or overwhelmed.  Bible verses like “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” and “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” are referenced as acceptable responses to challenging and adverse situations.  But when someone is feeling one way, especially when that feeling is some version of distress/overwhelm, and their church community tells them that they should be feeling the opposite (i.e. empowered and/or trusting in God and not in what your mind and body are telling you), it is a natural response for someone to feel gaslit and/or like their emotional responses to the distressing situation are wrong or invalid.  

So what now?

The above narratives obviously don’t provide any space for normal (and healthy!) human emotional responses to distressing situations.  Therapy can be a great place to begin unpacking how some of these messages about emotions might be keeping you stuck.  If you have experienced any of the messaging noted in this blog post, and/or if you are a survivor of religious trauma or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey.  Reach out today for a free consultation.