Queer Religious Trauma Therapist Stares Down Internalized Shame in the Closet
(an actual closet…with clothes)
Hello to all my fellow religious trauma survivors, purity culture dropouts, and high control religion runaways…happy November!
Recently, after a lifetime of feeling not confident in my clothes and like I don’t know how to dress myself (as well has having a very strong guilt response kick in when thinking about spending money on myself), I finally decided to do something about it and hired a personal stylist to help elevate my wardrobe. I am both so excited and kind of terrified lol.
Before you click out of this blog post wondering…
“WTF does personal style and fashion have to do with religious trauma?!”
…let me give you some background on yours truly.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt awkward, insecure, and clueless when it comes to fashion, clothing that I wear, and trying to dress myself. Style wasn’t a value that was modeled for me in my family of origin, and evangelicalism certainly did me no favors with it’s “don’t draw attention to your body because it will make men sin” messaging. I don’t know what clothes look good on me or my body type. I don’t know how to pull an outfit together that looks coordinated. Because of that, whenever I go shopping for clothes, I usually leave the store empty-handed and frustrated after not finding anything I like, thinking, “Well, that’s two hours of my life I will never get back.” Which then just makes me hate shopping for clothes even more…
I’m sure you can envision the cycle, but let me just spell it out for you. It has gone something like this… Open closet door. Look at clothes. Feel bored with clothes. Feel sad and ashamed that I don’t know how to dress myself. Feel shame that I care about how I look. Close closet door to avoid more shame and discomfort.
Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.
However, as I’ve started to pay attention to and get more curious about this area of my life this year, I’ve also noticed something interesting. When I see people who have a sense of style, or know how to dress themselves, or seem to put effort into making themselves look nice, I feel jealous. Not in a “I like your jacket so much that I’m going to steal it off your back” kind of way, but more in an “I’ve wanted to be able to do that my whole life” kind of way.
So, after many months and years of hoping my wardrobe and sense of style would get better but not doing anything differently about it (i.e. doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results), I pulled the trigger and reached out to a wardrobe consultant, with the hopes that by getting some coaching in this area, I can get to my goal of looking more fashionable / like I know how to dress myself more quickly.
Because, let’s be honest, leaving myself to my own devices was not serving me well…
So far I’ve been through the following steps of this process:
1. Style definition (turns out I like classic, chic, and timeless looks!)
2. Closet edit (“keep this because it is cute” / “get rid of this because it is ugly”)
3. Wardrobe update (given a list of clothing pieces I need and was told specifically what to buy / try out)
Still on deck:
4. Fittings!
5. Lookbooks!
It’s been an amazing process so far, and one that I would highly recommend. I was also surprised (but not surprised) at how quickly some of the old yet sneaky messaging from high control religion got activated for me, and thought that it might be helpful to share it with you in case you can relate.
Re: Vanity:
The definition of vanity is “excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance.” Growing up in Evangelicalism, I constantly received the message that it is prideful to care about how you look. Bible verses like “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble” were often quoted. People in my faith community talked about God being a jealous God, and that anyone taking pride in their appearance or how they look takes focus away from God, which does not make God happy. Also, as a female, the “Proverbs 31 woman” messaging was loud and clear in that strength and honor were to be my clothing (forget about those cute Chelsea boots I had my eye on…).
I know I avoided thinking and caring too much about style because I didn’t want God or my faith community to see me as being vain.
As I’ve been exploring this personal style project, I’ve noticed that there is still a small part of me that questions if I’m doing something wrong or bad. I know I’m not, but that question has definitely surfaced.
Re: Immodesty:
Ever heard the phrase “modest is hottest”? Vom. If you have spent any time in high control religion as a female, you have probably been hit with the messages that your body causes men to stumble, lust after you, and therefore fall into sin. In other words, you had better cover up, and you had better not draw attention to your body. Don’t wear clothes that are too form fitting, shirts that are too low cut, or shorts / dresses / skirts that are too short. The onus was put on women to take responsibility for the sexual urges and impulses of men by being very mindful, accommodating, and modest about what they wore.
If your choice in clothing could be a way that the devil gained a foothold, then you had better choose wisely!
I know that in the past I have shied away from wearing things that felt too revealing or too seductive (spoiler alert - they were no where near revealing or seductive…). As I’ve been exploring this personal style project, I’ve noticed there is a lingering “Don’t look too sexy / provocative / feminine because that’s bad.” I’ve been doing my best to tell that shaming voice to fuck right off go away.
Re: Selfishness:
A core value in faith communities is often selflessness. Though there is not anything inherently wrong with being selfless, it is problematic when denying yourself becomes a blanket mandate in all scenarios and/or a measure of holiness and devotion. I know for me post high control religion, this has made it difficult for me to spend money on myself, especially on things that I was once told were “worldly” and therefore worthless.
I know that it has also made it difficult for me to tend to my own happiness by spending money on material things that make me feel good or happy.
Enter style and clothing, which have very much gone neglected in my life,
even though I’m beginning to learn that I really like them!
As I’ve been exploring this personal style project, I’ve noticed that gifting myself with this experience, as well as new clothes that look good on me and that I like has helped me feel better about myself and more confident.
Paying attention to what I want and what makes me happy has actually made me…more happy.
I know that caring about fashion and style isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but making space for the things that interest you and that make you feel good is something that I hope we can all put more energy toward as we continue our journey of healing from religious trauma.
If you are ready to start unpacking what happened to you in high control religion with a therapist who specializes in religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and faith deconstruction, I’m accepting new clients in CA, FL, and MO. Send me a message below to request a free 15 minute consultation to get started.