A Religious Trauma Survivor’s Guide To Navigating The Holidays

Deck The Halls With Tons Of Triggers, Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La…

It’s finally sweater weather!  The days are getting shorter, and even here in Southern California, the temps are starting to shift.  It’s “chilly” in the mornings – by chilly I mean 60 – and I need a blanket over my lap during my morning sessions to keep warm.  Nevermind the fact that in the afternoons it gets back up into the 70s and I have to remove said blanket and sweater because now I’m too hot…

But another thing that comes along with the shifting weather and season is the awareness that the holidays are swiftly approaching.  Pumpkin spice abounds, fresh cranberries come back in stock at the grocery store, and the Christmas decoration section reappears at Costco.

There are many things I love about this festive time of year, but let’s face it – the holidays can also be incredibly difficult.  Finding the perfect gift can be stressful.  Consumerism feels empty.  Busier than normal schedules stretch us thin.  Attending family gatherings where there is tension and conflict feels awkward and uncomfortable.

But for those of us who have survived religious trauma or who have gone through the process of deconstructing our faith, November and December can be extra spicy, and not in a good way.  Spending time with religious family members who may not understand or validate our experience of religious trauma can set off complex feelings internally.  Being around people who may disagree with or judge our decision to exit the church can activate guilt, shame, and doubt that we made the right choice for ourselves.  We might feel the need to defend our choices in the face of someone being critical or disapproving.  Being confronted with invitations to attend religious services in places that caused us harm can trigger anxiety, panic, fear, anger and resentment.  We might think about the prospect of reentering those spaces and be overwhelmed with distressing memories and painful flashbacks. 

Often we go into this season and these potential situations feeling like we are bracing for impact.  We know we are going to be triggered – it’s just a matter of when and were and how often.  If this sounds like a recipe for hyper-vigilance, it is!

With all that this season entails, it is normal for our nervous systems to get dysregulated, to feel stressed and anxious, and to wish that we could just fast forward to January 1.  Here are some strategies to help you navigate the season:

Implement a daily practice of nervous system regulation:

I know it seems like this is fighting a massive wildfire with a gardenhose, but let me explain.  If on a scale of 1 to 10 your baseline level of anxiety is an 8, it will not take much for your anxiety to spike up to a 10.  But if you can bring your baseline level of anxiety down by 1 or 2 points on that scale, that same event might only spike your anxiety up to an 8. 

Will a daily practice of nervous system regulation prevent that problematic family member from expressing displeasure that you will not be joining them at a church holiday service?  No.  But it can help bring down your baseline stress level a notch or two, which means when you get triggered by their question, your anxiety might not spike as high as it would otherwise, and your nervous system might regulate more quickly than if you had not been implementing a daily practice.  

A daily practice of nervous system regulation could include things like yoga, meditation, stretching, walking, dancing, singing, or taking hot baths.

Be clear about what you will and won’t do:

In other words, boundaries!  During a time of year when expectations of others are very high, it can help to be upfront and direct with the people around you about your needs, intentions, and preferences.  Decide what you are comfortable with, and clearly inform others what you will and won’t be doing.  If you don’t want to accept an invitation from family to join them at a religious service, it is okay to say something like, “Sorry, I won’t be able to join you for that.  But I will be able to join you afterward for Christmas Eve dinner at your house.”  You are not required to provide the reasons why.  Nedra Tawaab has some great content about clear and direct boundary setting on Instagram.

Have an escape plan:

In the event that you find yourself at a church service or in a situation with religious family members that starts to go off the rails or that starts to feel mentally or emotionally harmful, having an escape plan in place can get you to safety quickly without having to use brainpower to formulate a plan in the moment when you are already stressed/upset.  Excuse yourself to the bathroom or to go outside for some air.  Come up with a code word with a friend and text them that word if things start to go south.  You get to decide if they call you to offer a listening ear for a few minutes, or if they call you with a fake emergency that requires you to leave.  Up to you!

Start your own traditions:

If a holiday tradition no longer feels like it aligns with your beliefs or who you are, give yourself permission to skip it this year.  Keep what works and ditch the rest.  Also, give yourself permission to start your own traditions.  Perhaps you have wanted to spend the holidays with chosen family, and/or with safe and supportive people who understand and validate your religious trauma.  Perhaps you have wanted to reconnect with a cultural tradition.  Or maybe you have wanted to make this season about getting back out into nature.  Or about intentionally creating light in the darkness (both literally and figuratively).  Or about giving back.  Reflect on your beliefs and what is important to you, and start your new traditions accordingly.

Remember that your feelings are valid:

This is a very important fact to remember when you are navigating potentially uncomfortable, stressful, and triggering situations – your feelings are valid!  This is especially important to remember when your feelings don’t make sense to you and seem different than the feelings of everyone around you.  It is easy to fall into the trap of judging your feelings (i.e. – What is wrong with me for feeling this way… I am over-reacting… I’m making a big deal out of nothing… I must be weak for letting these things affect me so deeply…etc.).  Take this opportunity during the holiday season to practice curiosity and compassion toward yourself and your valid emotional responses.

Hopefully that gives you some places to start as you are thinking about how to navigate the holidays while also grappling with all the triggers it brings.  Good luck out there!

If you resonate with any of the above, and/or if you are a survivor of religious trauma or are in the midst of faith deconstruction, I would love to support you on your healing journey.  Reach out today for a free consultation.